Numero dos. My first "real" attempt.

Ok, so after reading through other people's blogs and some of the chats we've been having on zoom there's been a lot of talk about emotions and revealing whats really going on "behind the mask". I particularly liked Carolyn's (Caro? Carol?) speech about this yesterday and found it inspiring as it's so true. I hate the fact we all put on a persona and wish we could all be 100% genuine at all times. However I'm as guilty of this as anyone and it just seems to be the way we are as humans. But I'm going to give it a go. 

My last post was severely lacking in substance and, to be honest, I just rushed one out in a couple of minutes like a piece of last-minute homework. I'm shy by nature and tend to close my feelings off. Not just to others but to myself. I guess it's a way of trying to escape feelings we don't like, by burying our heads in the sand and pretending there's nothing to worry about. But oh boy is there...

So here goes. I'm terrified. I know I'm not the only one that feels this way but I think it's good to talk about it, therapeutic in a way. It's been over two years (thanks, Covid) since I did my CELTA and I feel like I've forgotten most of it. It doesn't help that I no longer have access to a lot of the things I did on the course (lesson plans were uploaded online and I can't log in to it anymore). I'm hoping it all magically comes back to me at some point.

A lot of my worries are pretty generic; what if a lesson goes terribly and I completely choke? What if I fail in the rapport department and the kids don't respect me? What if I don't click with my mentor? So many what if's...

But I think the biggest "what if.." lurking in the back of my mind is actually "what if I don't enjoy teaching?" or "what if it's not for me...". This was the main reason I wanted to do the Erasmus+ programme. I wanted to try some teaching in a way that would ease me in with less pressure to perform, and allow me to figure out if this was really for me or not.

So what if it isn't? I actually don't know. I don't really have a backup plan. I have a long and complicated backstory which I won't get into now but my career options are limited. I'm really hoping this is the thing for me. But how do I know? My logical mind can come up with all kinds of ideas that should be reassuring, but nothing can truly penetrate the underlying fear. Some of the amazing words from fellow Erasmusers have certainly helped, especially in the freestyle session we had today, and it is always nice to know you're not the only one. But it feels almost like they shrink the huge cloud of anxiety maybe 5% but it's still very much there.

I could ramble on but I think that's enough for now. My first "real" blog post and attempt at opening up a bit. 

Also just to say (is this discourse?), if anyone does ever want to talk about this kind of stuff (emotions and whatnot), feel free to send me a whatsapp for a chat. Always feels good if I can help others out in any way.

Ciao, Paul.